As we reach the end of our season 7 deep dive into communication, it’s no surprise that so many of the same themes have kept showing up in our conversations, and that so often, what they’re about is owning our unmet needs. So it feels right that we should land here, with an episode that unpacks just that, and once again invites us to let go of the strategies we think we need to get what we want, and to get more in touch with the real needs we may be trying to express.Thanks as always, dear listeners, for sticking with us for yet another season! We’ll be back soon with another miniseries, but in the meantime, we’d love for you to stay in touch! Write in, send us your questions, leave a review, and join us for a workshop!And as always, love each other the best you can.Quotes:when we only have one way to meet a need, that is a recipe for fearMy needs are okay, even though they will not always be met.“The pain sucks, but the fact that the pain is here is okay. It can be welcomed.”Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
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21:19
Insist That We Should Both Agree on Their Version of What Happened?
How is it that two people could remember an event so differently, and both be so sure that their version is right? Why is it so hard to take in when someone suggests that our memory of something isn’t true? How can it be that two people can both be right about a memory, and at the same time both be wrong? On today’s episode of WDMP, we’ve got a few answers for you, plus a suggestion for how you can start to guide yourself out of this stuck place and into greater intimacy in your relationship.Quotes:“The truth is, no one is actually totally right, and everyone is probably a little bit right.”“Embrace the nature of the differences in the way we see reality. To try to get that not to happen…is a recipe for pain.”“We can’t rely on memory as fact.”Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
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18:55
Make Plans Without Asking Me First?
One cool thing about neurodiversity is that if you get three friends and podcast co-hosts together to talk about a listener question, a lot of the time they’re going to have three very, very different relationships to the question…and not one of them is more valid or valuable than the other!That’s exactly what’s happening on today’s episode of Why Does My Partner, as we dig into how couples communicate around making plans, scheduling, and navigating social engagements. Like so many of the topics we talk about, there’s no right way to go about it, but what’s important is that there’s an explicit, shared understanding of how it’s going to be in your relationship.Feeling lost on how to get to that place of understanding? Then this is the episode for you!Quotes:“if we’re talking about something that has a little bit more of a tenderness around it…we have to have some kind of temperature check inside of our relationship.”"How do you do with making direct requests? What work do you need to do between you and you in order to feel supported enough, stable enough in yourself to go ahead and make that ask?”Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
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17:24
Avoid Conflict?
What happens inside of our brains when we face potential conflict? A whole lot is what. One thing that we don’t always realize is that we have subcortical systems that start going into hyperdrive, make meaning out of what’s happening and hopefully keep ourselves safe. That meaning making is automatic and unconscious, and draws on what we’ve learned in our pasts, both implicitly and explicitly, about how we feel safety and belonging. That means that if your past has taught you that conflict can get you hurt, rejected, or shut down, or maybe hasn’t even taught you that there is anything else you could do, of course you’re going to avoid it!The thing is, there really are other ways to approach conflict, and some of those ways could even bring you into closer connection with yourself and your loved ones. If that sounds impossible to you, we’ve got a ton of resources to support you. For a start, give this episode a listen, and try out some of what we’re talking about. We think you might end up changing your mind.Quotes:“being able to be inside of discomfort is something that not everyone has a nervous system that knows how to do…yet.”“I'm not running the risk of betraying me if I'm checking in with me first.”when, when we take in information from the world, we're taking that information inside our bodies“what's the cost to me as an individual if I don't bring my voice into this conversation? What's the cost to our connection? Where does this lead us? What's the potential benefit of bringing this in?”Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
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15:40
Criticize My Parenting?
“Why does my partner criticize my parenting?” If you’re in a partnership, even without children, there’s a good chance some version of this has come up for you. Whether it’s parenting, pet care, finances, sex, you name it, both you and your partner are carrying a bunch of (often unconscious) assumptions about how something should be done. Coming out of conflict means moving from those implicit beliefs to explicit communication, but how do you do that without blame, power struggles, and hurt feelings? Well, that’s what this whole season on communication is all about!Quotes:"What are old needs, longings, meanings that are being met when you want to parent “your way?”“[What’s] hard is where we get stuck inside of ourselves. The hard is not how we navigate it together. That actually undoes aloneness”When you’re having a communication issue, can you do a YOU-turn and ask yourself, what kind of communication are you trying to achieve?”Jules’ book is out now! Get Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contactDive in deeper with us at our upcoming workshops.Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events
We're couple therapists and messy humans bumbling through our own relationships everyday. Between us we have more than 40 years of experience holding hard relational questions with our clients. We’re going to bring those questions here. And together we’re going to take a stab at answering those questions.
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