Mentally Stronger with Therapist Amy Morin

When something goes wrong in your day—bad news, a disagreement with a loved one, or a tough rejection—what do you actually reach for to cope?

Most of us have one move. We drink, we scroll, we run, we clean, we call someone. And it probably works—which is why we keep doing it.

But my guest today says that's where the trouble starts. Every coping strategy you have began as your best attempt at getting a need met. And when you only have one move, even a good one can turn into something that no longer serves you.

My guest is Dr. Celeste Birkhofer, a licensed clinical psychologist and adjunct clinical faculty at Stanford Medical School's Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. Her new book is Beyond Quick Fixes.

Some of the things we discuss are:

Why your one go-to coping skill probably started as a solution — and how to tell when it's crossed into something that's costing you

The difference between a quick fix that helps you (like slow breathing when your heart is pounding) and one that's harming you

Why some of your greatest strengths—being driven, being independent, being agreeable—might also be the things holding you back

The two ingredients every real change requires (and why insight alone almost never gets you there)

Dr. Birkhofer's story of using food to cope in college — and how she traced it back to what she learned about handling emotions as a kid

The writing exercise that helps you connect the dots between your childhood and your current patterns without shame

The three parts of yourself and why one of them needs to be in the driver's seat

Why the people closest to you sometimes push back when you try to change and how to tell if they're drawing out your best or keeping you stuck

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for building coping skills that actually work

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠330 — The Real Reason Your Coping Skills Aren't Helping (It's Not You)

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠332 — Should You Sit With Your Feelings or Change How You Feel? The One Question That Decides It

Links & Resources

Beyond Quick Fixes

Connect with the Show

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Have you ever sent a text and expected a fun response but all you got was a word one answer and then you spent the rest of the day wondering what you did wrong? Or heard a comment in a group chat and felt it was aimed at you? Most of the time, the thing you're taking personally has almost nothing to do with you—but your brain will work hard to convince you otherwise.

I've done this too, during the hardest stretch of my life, even though I'm a therapist who teaches people not to. In today's episode, I'll walk you through what's really happening when you take something personally, why it costs you more than you might think, and three things you can do the next time your brain insists you're the reason someone acted the way they did.

Some of the things I talk about are:

The story I built about myself to explain what happened when I was grieving.

Why your brain reaches for the one explanation that puts you at the center, out of a hundred it could have picked.

What the research says about the critical feedback people give.

Why taking things personally goes beyond just feeling bad.

The surprising study on reaching out to someone you've lost touch with, and what your brain gets wrong about it.

How to separate hurt feelings from beliefs about yourself.

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

59 — 3 Ways to Take Back Your Power When Negative People Try to Drag You Down

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠278 — The 3 Mindset Shifts You Will Help You Grow Mentally Stronger This Year

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You've probably been told that anxiety is a reaction to what's happening in your life. But my guest today says that's not the whole story. Most of your anxiety isn't a reaction to what's actually happening — it's a reaction to what you're imagining might happen.

You get an email that says "can we talk tomorrow?" and your mind writes an entire disaster. Your brain then releases the same stress hormones whether the threat is real or imagined.

My guest is Dr. Cassandra Vieten, a licensed clinical psychologist and director of research at the Arthur C. Clarke Center for Human Imagination at UC San Diego. Her new book is Imagine That.

Some of the things we discuss are:

Why you're imagining far more than you think — and how your brain reacts as if what you're imagining is actually happening

The Mark Twain quote about worry that will stop you in your tracks

Why "just think positive" backfires — and what to do with your imagination instead

Your imagination profile — why some people see vivid pictures, others hear narrated stories, and both are valid ways of imagining

How to visit your future self — and the surprising question to ask when you get there

How to tell the difference between rumination and imagination

The dragon-in-the-village metaphor Dr. Vieten uses for addiction — and why a good story can reach truths your logical mind can't

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for using your imagination to grow mentally stronger

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠318 — How to Turn Anxiety Into a Competitive Advantage With a 2-Minute Play That Tricks Your Brain

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠144 — 7 Surprising Strategies That Fix Anxiety (Even Though We Fear These Things Will Make Anxiety Worse)

Links & Resources

⁠Imagine That

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Have you ever achieved something big and, instead of feeling proud, felt like an imposter? Imposter syndrome is common, yet no one wants to talk about it.

But imposter syndrome isn't necessarily a bad thing. And there are steps you can take when you experience it to ensure that it doesn't become an obstacle. Some of the things I talk about today are:

The invitation-only event I earned my way into—and how I still questioned if I belonged.

Why imposter syndrome doesn't go away even when you have concrete proof you are good at what you do.

The sneaky credit trap and why it matters.

Why your self-image can lag years behind your actual life and the only thing that actually updates it.

Why the feeling itself isn't the real problem—and the specific things people do to manage it that costs them.

Four things that actually help when you experience imposter syndrome.

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

304 — Got Rejected? Here's the One Thing You Need to Do to Get Your Confidence Back Fast

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠283 — How to Stop Feeling Invisible and Start Feeling Like You Matter with Journalist Jennifer Wallace

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Have you ever done something you swore you wouldn't do again? Maybe you had too many drinks, ate the whole thing when you meant to have a bite, or started texting that ex you swore you wouldn't talk to again. And then instead of feeling bad for a minute and moving on, you spiral into a cycle of shame, secrecy and self-destruction.

My guest is Dr. Frank Spinelli, a physician with more than 20 years of clinical experience. He's also survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a shame expert who now works with hundreds of clients who working through shame.

Some of the things we discuss are:

The difference between guilt and shame

The four archetypal shame responses (avoid, attack self, attack other, withdraw)

Why shame lives in silence

The connection between shame and the behaviors we can't stop (drinking too much, secret eating, doomscrolling, the habits we swear we'll quit)

What "shame literacy" is — and why most of us were never taught it

Why the internal script "what's wrong with me?" makes shame worse

The unexpected forms of shame

Why "I should be over this by now" is one of the most damaging things we say to ourselves

The Therapist's Take: My top three strategies for breaking the shame spiral starting today

Related Episodes ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

⁠⁠64 – Heal From Shame and Transform Your Self-Worth with Therapist Sheila Rubin

⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠124 — Stop Self-Sabotage: 7 Reasons You Are Holding Yourself Back and How to Stop Once and For All

Links & Resources

The Shame Compass

Connect with the Show

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